changeling: (Default)
Happy St. Valentine's Day, flist! You are all loved. Filios.

[livejournal.com profile] sannion has noted that this year, Theogamia (the Greek festival of marriage, celebrating the bond between Zeus and Hera) falls on St. Valentine's.

I sing of gold-throned Hera, Rhea born,
Immortals' Queen - Her form outshineth all -
the sister of loud-thund'ring Zeus, and wife,
sublime; the Bless'd on Bless'd Olympus' peak
revere and honor Her as much as Zeus.

I sing of Zeus, chiefest among the gods and greatest,
all-seeing, the lord of all, the fulfiller who whispers words of
wisdom to Themis as she sits leaning towards him.
Be gracious, all-seeing Son of Cronos, most excellent and great!


Thinking about marriage, of course, makes me think about the fact that my sweetie and I can't, though we want to. The reason we can't is that we are both genetically female, and our Prime Minister, John Howard, has put through legislation to specifically define us out of marriage. One day we hope to travel somewhere that recognises our bond, and to tie the knot officially. Perhaps one day that place will be in Australia.

Also, Steph wants a fancy ceremony, and is happy to wait while we accrue the moulah that allows us to do it the way we want. Why rush? It won't be formally recognised, and we already know that we're bound.

So this makes me think of Frey, who (according to the folks at Cauldron Farm) blesses non-traditional unions, such as ours (he's married to a giantess).

Agape.

And, of course, finally, to my sweetheart, my lover, my best friend, and my fiancée, [livejournal.com profile] earlymorningair. Here's to our third Valentine's Day together. May we have many more opportunities for celebration. I love you. Filios, agape, eros, my sweet.
changeling: (Default)
I was out all day yesterday. First I went to Bridge Rd to practise Bikram Yoga with Issy, but the trams were slow, and then they stopped at Victoria Pde – there'd been an accident up ahead. I had to walk the rest of the way. I felt a bit like Kate at the beginning of The Long Dark Tea-time of the Soul, that something was conspiring to make sure I didn't get there. Still, Issy and I talked and I said that I'd meet her afterwards, so I headed over to Macro to do some shopping (toothpaste, rye flour [for bread], amaranth flour [for fiesta], kombu [sea vegetable – also for cooking beans], pinto beans [another bean I've never used before – also for fiesta], some loose leaf raspberry leaf and nettle teas [for about a quarter of what I usually pay for half as much], seed packets for genovese basil and cress) and then hung out in the cafe with a juice (berries, orange, ginger and watermelon – I thought it was a nice combination, sheer genius, but I'm sure I could put it together better than they did) and my Blue notebook and did some writing until Issy rocked up.

We chatted for a bit. She was simultaneously yoga-chilled and exhausted, so mostly I nattered at her. We headed over to Brunswick St (corner of Rose St) where there is a pub (Bimbo) that does $4 pizzas at lunchtime. I had the Organico (or something) which was a thick layer of roasted pumpkin and rosemary and pinenuts, topped with some soy cheese. Very, very nice. I am a big sucker for both pumpkin pizzas and rosemary. The waitress drizzled olive oil on all the pizzas before bringing them over, which I found a bit weird. I tipped mine up and drained as much as I could onto my plate. Brilliant pizza, though, especially for $4. The base was clearly made on premises, which made me think (with all my bread obsession of late) that I could make pizza dough, and then Steph's and my pizzas would be even awesomer – especially with the tomato sauce she made that afternoon. Issy said it was easy to do with a sourdough starter instead of yeast, and that all I needed was to put a cup of flour and a cup of water in an icecream container for a week, then move it to the fridge and feed it each day with a tB of flour and then she kept explaining about proving and things, but I was out of my depth and didn't retain the rest. I shall have to get her to either write it down for me, or I'll have to call her with notebook and pencil ready.

She also showed me her sweetheart's wholefood/organic shop in Smith St, and I picked up (at her urging) some cleavers (which she says goes well with nettle) and some SEKRIT TREAT for after the diet.

I travelled home, stopping to pick up some glass salad dressing bottles (brilliant for fridge storage; we will use these lots) and glass apothecary jars for storing the tea in. I hadn't quite got home when I got a call from Steph to come and pick her up. I started unpacking, and she made herself an awesome pizza (I might have stolen a couple of bites) and then we had to head out again for our appointment with My Wonderful Kinesiologist for a Bowen treatment. It was very nice, but I'm supposed to not do strenuous exercise for the next couple of days, which means no trips to the supermarket on my bike. I may have to take my car. Boo.

I should go. I have Much to Do today, and it's nearly ten. I should at the very least see if I can find some chickpeas to soak ...

Our little dog Charlie's come in to say hello, and he's been sitting on my lap as I write this. It's very nice. He decided to rest his head on the crook of my elbow after awhile, which made reaching the keyboard a little difficult. I think he's actually dozed off a few times.
changeling: (Default)
Yes, I'm pathetic & perhaps do rely on Daniel more than is healthy. But part of this recent unhealthy session is the fact that it's been slowly coming to my attention that I'm losing friends but not gaining new ones. But at least I've drawn an ever-tightening line between me and Liam.

Anywho, to get back to what I was going to make a point about is this:

My new favourite song, excised from an old OpenDiary entry of Daniel's that I read tonight in my OD glut:
Dear Clarice, from the Hannibal soundtrack. Get your hands on it any way you can; you won't forget or regret it.

Letting Go

May. 9th, 2001 10:56 pm
changeling: (Default)
Daniel and I had another fight tonight.

It revolved around my not expressing myself as clearly as I would like, and his reaction to it. And my reactions, which inevitably dug a bigger hole under myself.

My side in the conflict was centred around the fact that I never know anything about what's going on in his life. Often I think I must have misevaluated our friendship. I thought we were best friends, but clearly I was wrong. Of course, I'm basing that judgement on the fact that I always considered him a close friend, and the fact that he described me as a best friend in an entry on OpenDiary mid to late last year. We've had several fights like this, and the blame inevitably rests completely on my shoulders. I'm sure I'm not the only one at fault, but Daniel never admits to any mistakes.

He's the only person I know who can hurt me like this, and he does, frequently and unknowingly. I hold his opinion in such high esteem that his remarks affect me deeper than they should. Actually, I don't think that's quite true. I think that Liam could hurt me like this if he tried. The difference between the two is that Liam doesn't. He trusts me, and I trust him. We talk about what's going on in each other's lives, we have coffee and spend time together for the hell of it. Daniel keeps his distance and only spends time with me if our friends have organised a group activity like going to the movies. Sometimes we run into each other, or see each other at work, but we don't have the same sort of close relationship I have with Liam. Liam has never once brought me to tears.

Daniel is constantly afraid I'm going to smother him, or be clingy. Trying to cling to Daniel is like trying to cling to a sheer ice wall. He doesn't give you so much as an emotional hand hold. I'm wondering if I'd be less "clingy" (as he perceives it) if he actually let down some of his defences that keep me so far from him.

He's let me down so often. I know they're just stupid things, like the fact that I asked him to come and see two of the plays I was in last year. This current argument stems from the fact that I'm helping to organise a comedy debate with a friend of mine from a different university. I'm in charge of My University's team. So far Liam and I are team mates. Laim (not I) suggested that we ask Daniel if he'd like to be our third. We know he can be funny when he wants to be, and he's an accomplished debater. I knew from the outset that he wouldn't be able to and/or wouldn't want to do it, for really good reasons (because he always has good reasons), but I knew he'd be ideal, so I asked him. Last time I spoke to him, he intimated that he might be interested, but didn't venture anything more than that. I hadn't really talked to him between then and now, and really dragged my feet about calling him to confirm. I don't like calling him, because I feel like I'm imposing on him, and if I impose then I'm trying to cling to him. *sigh*

So he declined because he couldn't do it before June 6 (or 7...I forget). I phoned Sarah to see if she could do it, but she said it'd be impossible just before uni exams. I realised that it'd be pretty hard for me too, so I phoned Allan (the boy organising the comp) to reschedule. Knowing that it'd now be most likely after June 6 (or 7) I ICQed Daniel to ask him if he'd be free then. He said no, and I managed to infuriate him because I was angry. I don't even want to get into the argument.

I actually went and spoke to my mother about all this, something I rarely do. Well, spoke is a bit of a misnomer. I sobbed it, I suppose. She told me I had to let go, step back before he destroyed me. (Her words.) I find it so hard to do that. I try to distance myself from him, but I'm not very successful. At the moment I hate him, and that's what I hate about him most; his ability to make me feel like a battered wife. He destroys me (without meaning to), but I can't let go, can't sever the cord. I suppose it really doesn't help that we move in the same circles, both debate, go to the same university, even work at the same place.

I am really not looking forward to working with him this Saturday. It'll just be the two of us, in an enclosed space, for three or four hours.

The girl got reasons...they all got reasons. - Sour Girl, Stone Temple Pilots




my current mood: more than depressed....perhaps despairing, and also unloved.

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