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Letting Go
May. 9th, 2001 10:56 pmDaniel and I had another fight tonight.
It revolved around my not expressing myself as clearly as I would like, and his reaction to it. And my reactions, which inevitably dug a bigger hole under myself.
My side in the conflict was centred around the fact that I never know anything about what's going on in his life. Often I think I must have misevaluated our friendship. I thought we were best friends, but clearly I was wrong. Of course, I'm basing that judgement on the fact that I always considered him a close friend, and the fact that he described me as a best friend in an entry on OpenDiary mid to late last year. We've had several fights like this, and the blame inevitably rests completely on my shoulders. I'm sure I'm not the only one at fault, but Daniel never admits to any mistakes.
He's the only person I know who can hurt me like this, and he does, frequently and unknowingly. I hold his opinion in such high esteem that his remarks affect me deeper than they should. Actually, I don't think that's quite true. I think that Liam could hurt me like this if he tried. The difference between the two is that Liam doesn't. He trusts me, and I trust him. We talk about what's going on in each other's lives, we have coffee and spend time together for the hell of it. Daniel keeps his distance and only spends time with me if our friends have organised a group activity like going to the movies. Sometimes we run into each other, or see each other at work, but we don't have the same sort of close relationship I have with Liam. Liam has never once brought me to tears.
Daniel is constantly afraid I'm going to smother him, or be clingy. Trying to cling to Daniel is like trying to cling to a sheer ice wall. He doesn't give you so much as an emotional hand hold. I'm wondering if I'd be less "clingy" (as he perceives it) if he actually let down some of his defences that keep me so far from him.
He's let me down so often. I know they're just stupid things, like the fact that I asked him to come and see two of the plays I was in last year. This current argument stems from the fact that I'm helping to organise a comedy debate with a friend of mine from a different university. I'm in charge of My University's team. So far Liam and I are team mates. Laim (not I) suggested that we ask Daniel if he'd like to be our third. We know he can be funny when he wants to be, and he's an accomplished debater. I knew from the outset that he wouldn't be able to and/or wouldn't want to do it, for really good reasons (because he always has good reasons), but I knew he'd be ideal, so I asked him. Last time I spoke to him, he intimated that he might be interested, but didn't venture anything more than that. I hadn't really talked to him between then and now, and really dragged my feet about calling him to confirm. I don't like calling him, because I feel like I'm imposing on him, and if I impose then I'm trying to cling to him. *sigh*
So he declined because he couldn't do it before June 6 (or 7...I forget). I phoned Sarah to see if she could do it, but she said it'd be impossible just before uni exams. I realised that it'd be pretty hard for me too, so I phoned Allan (the boy organising the comp) to reschedule. Knowing that it'd now be most likely after June 6 (or 7) I ICQed Daniel to ask him if he'd be free then. He said no, and I managed to infuriate him because I was angry. I don't even want to get into the argument.
I actually went and spoke to my mother about all this, something I rarely do. Well, spoke is a bit of a misnomer. I sobbed it, I suppose. She told me I had to let go, step back before he destroyed me. (Her words.) I find it so hard to do that. I try to distance myself from him, but I'm not very successful. At the moment I hate him, and that's what I hate about him most; his ability to make me feel like a battered wife. He destroys me (without meaning to), but I can't let go, can't sever the cord. I suppose it really doesn't help that we move in the same circles, both debate, go to the same university, even work at the same place.
I am really not looking forward to working with him this Saturday. It'll just be the two of us, in an enclosed space, for three or four hours.
The girl got reasons...they all got reasons. - Sour Girl, Stone Temple Pilots
my current mood: more than depressed....perhaps despairing, and also unloved.
It revolved around my not expressing myself as clearly as I would like, and his reaction to it. And my reactions, which inevitably dug a bigger hole under myself.
My side in the conflict was centred around the fact that I never know anything about what's going on in his life. Often I think I must have misevaluated our friendship. I thought we were best friends, but clearly I was wrong. Of course, I'm basing that judgement on the fact that I always considered him a close friend, and the fact that he described me as a best friend in an entry on OpenDiary mid to late last year. We've had several fights like this, and the blame inevitably rests completely on my shoulders. I'm sure I'm not the only one at fault, but Daniel never admits to any mistakes.
He's the only person I know who can hurt me like this, and he does, frequently and unknowingly. I hold his opinion in such high esteem that his remarks affect me deeper than they should. Actually, I don't think that's quite true. I think that Liam could hurt me like this if he tried. The difference between the two is that Liam doesn't. He trusts me, and I trust him. We talk about what's going on in each other's lives, we have coffee and spend time together for the hell of it. Daniel keeps his distance and only spends time with me if our friends have organised a group activity like going to the movies. Sometimes we run into each other, or see each other at work, but we don't have the same sort of close relationship I have with Liam. Liam has never once brought me to tears.
Daniel is constantly afraid I'm going to smother him, or be clingy. Trying to cling to Daniel is like trying to cling to a sheer ice wall. He doesn't give you so much as an emotional hand hold. I'm wondering if I'd be less "clingy" (as he perceives it) if he actually let down some of his defences that keep me so far from him.
He's let me down so often. I know they're just stupid things, like the fact that I asked him to come and see two of the plays I was in last year. This current argument stems from the fact that I'm helping to organise a comedy debate with a friend of mine from a different university. I'm in charge of My University's team. So far Liam and I are team mates. Laim (not I) suggested that we ask Daniel if he'd like to be our third. We know he can be funny when he wants to be, and he's an accomplished debater. I knew from the outset that he wouldn't be able to and/or wouldn't want to do it, for really good reasons (because he always has good reasons), but I knew he'd be ideal, so I asked him. Last time I spoke to him, he intimated that he might be interested, but didn't venture anything more than that. I hadn't really talked to him between then and now, and really dragged my feet about calling him to confirm. I don't like calling him, because I feel like I'm imposing on him, and if I impose then I'm trying to cling to him. *sigh*
So he declined because he couldn't do it before June 6 (or 7...I forget). I phoned Sarah to see if she could do it, but she said it'd be impossible just before uni exams. I realised that it'd be pretty hard for me too, so I phoned Allan (the boy organising the comp) to reschedule. Knowing that it'd now be most likely after June 6 (or 7) I ICQed Daniel to ask him if he'd be free then. He said no, and I managed to infuriate him because I was angry. I don't even want to get into the argument.
I actually went and spoke to my mother about all this, something I rarely do. Well, spoke is a bit of a misnomer. I sobbed it, I suppose. She told me I had to let go, step back before he destroyed me. (Her words.) I find it so hard to do that. I try to distance myself from him, but I'm not very successful. At the moment I hate him, and that's what I hate about him most; his ability to make me feel like a battered wife. He destroys me (without meaning to), but I can't let go, can't sever the cord. I suppose it really doesn't help that we move in the same circles, both debate, go to the same university, even work at the same place.
I am really not looking forward to working with him this Saturday. It'll just be the two of us, in an enclosed space, for three or four hours.
The girl got reasons...they all got reasons. - Sour Girl, Stone Temple Pilots
my current mood: more than depressed....perhaps despairing, and also unloved.